This is what is out there....

So, I'm single.  And I haven't dated a lot in the 5 or so years that I've been single.  A lot of my friends and family have been pressuring me to "get out there more" and all that blah blah blah.....  My argument is that there are very few qualified men out there.  I've had a lot of pressure to "try the online thing" which I really have no interest in.  But, to appease the masses, I agreed to give it a brief try.

I received this email over the weekend.  Do you see why I'm not interested?  THIS is what is out there.  This guy is A. Rude.  B.  not a good speller.  C.  does not have a grasp on grammar.  D.  is posing behind a fake turkey and has the nerve to tell me my picture is bad???

Next time you give me crap about not dating - please remember THIS is the kind of fellow with whom I am being paired.  A guy whose pick up line is "your picture is the worst."  And for the record - I was wearing a red cardigan in the photo that he claims "looks like a prison jump suit."  Apparently he is unfamiliar with cardigans. 

and btw guy - if you're reading this.  you are coming off as a jerk.  and not a smart one.

All the Single Ladies

So, awhile ago a friend suggested I write more here about some of my thoughts on being a single lady (now a 30 year old single lady), but it's hard to do it because I don't think i have a good enough writing voice to do it without sounding like a negative nancy. But, I'm going to try it anyway. Here are 5 things that I want to remind those married girlfriends that sometimes make us single ladies (or this single lady) feel a little defeated. Maybe not defeated... but less than whole.

And seriously - I'm glad you're married and have nothing against you... but sometimes this stuff just bums us out a little. No hostility meant...

1. When you complain that you had to pump your own gas because your husband wasn't available to take your car out do it. I didn't know that once you got married you never had to pump gas again!

2. When you're all proud of yourself because you took the trash out for the first time in 5 years. I don't think this is an announcement worthy accomplishment. Some of us take our trash out every week. (though I am thankful to have a roommate that does it probably more tahn 50% of the time)

3. When your husband goes away and you need someone to sleep over because you can't be alone in your house. I know it's an adjustment - but I am ALWAYS alone in my house and I don't recruit someone new to sleep over every night...

4. In that same vein: when you call me and say "do you want to have dinner next Tuesday? My husband has to work late so I won't have anything to do." I don't want to be the "don't have anything to do" friend. I LOVE it when you say "let's have dinner next Tuesday... my husband will be fine home alone" (or even bring him! I like your husbands too!)

5. And if we're having dinner out and you actually DID leave your husband home alone - don't tell me about the dinner you cooked for him so you could still come out. Seriously???


I know that I'm not in the norm as a single 30 year old and so the culture around me is going to operate differently that I do, but that doesn't mean it's not challenging sometimes.

I'm sure there are some things that us single ladies do that bug you married folks.... any thoughts? I'm open to change :)

Registry follow up

Dear 13 people who read my blog- Thanks for voting on my little survey. As you may recall, back in April I posted a blog called "Singles Registry." You can find it here. It was around the idea of me registering for my graduate school graduation. Since that time I have graduated, and many have asked, "so, did you register?" I did not. While I certainly appreciate the 12-1 vote that was pro-registry as a single gal, I could not muster the inner strength to do it. I wish that I could have, but I could not. But it wasn't because I think that it is inherently wrong. I still believe that just because someone is unmarried it doesn't want or deserve (I know, I am always hesitant to use the word 'deserve') to have nice things, however, the fear of criticism was greater than the desire for belongings.

I attended a wedding shower this weekend for a dear friend of mine. It was a beautiful and moving day, and I haven't been this excited for someones wedding in some time. How happy my friend is was just radiating from her, and you could feel in the room how loved she is by the women in her life. It was an emotional day, more so than I realized it would be, and I became quite upset with myself when I felt a bit of jealousy creep in as I watched her open her gifts. As I thought about it, it's not even the stuff- I have plenty of stuff and it all works just fine- but I think it is what the "stuff" represents. A fresh start. A new beginning. A new place filled with new things and a lifetime ahead to grow. I think that is what it represents.

And I am well acquainted with this wedding and registry process. I did some remembering and research, and since my graduation from college (just over 6 years ago), I have attended at least 35 weddings for friends, coworkers, and family. They are all joyous celebrations and I love sharing that day with people that I love. But I have bought a lot of gifts for a lot of people. It just starts to feel unbalanced after a while.

But to quote my mother (nearly everyday of my childhood) "Becki, life isn't fair."

So, no, I didn't register. And I still have plenty of things. More than enough. And I was blessed with gifts that still I did not deserve for my graduation. But that doesn't change that I am still a little uneasy with the whole system.

loving

One of the quotes on a recent episode of Felicity that I watched really stuck out to me. Sally was giving Felicity advice on her disastrous relationship with Ben, and how she had done something to him that made him so angry he didn't want to talk to her anymore, and she didn't know how to respond. Sally's advice was this:

"If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me."

It wasn't until recently in my life that I really started to grasp what that meant. My natural reaction when there is not equal love in a relationship that I'm in, be it romantic or not, is not to be more loving, but to either be more spiteful (which is usually a game I am better at winning), or to shy away, let the other person be more loving while I just sit quietly and afraid. However, I am learning, through the wisdom of JJ Abrams (writer of Felicity), and the grace of God, that those are not the most appropriate reactions. The response should not be to spite back to someone to the best of my ability, but to love back.

It is often putting oneself out on a limb to be the one who is more loving. You can get hurt, you can feel lonely, you can feel frustrated that you're not getting back in return what you are giving out. But that is not what loving is. Loving is unconditional- whether you receive it back or not. This, of course, is mirrored in our relationship with Christ. What if he only loved us as much as we loved him back. We'd all be in trouble.

As I look at the broken relationships in my life, I can see that they are a result of me not being the more loving one. I pray that I can better learn how to do that.

my problem is not lack of a man, it's lack of creativity

Last night a new friend who just joined our small group showed up with a new accessory- an engagement ring! It was just over 24 hours since it had happened, and she was still in the whirlwind of it all. It was a true joy to share that moment with her.


However, something happened next that I have never experienced before. My guess is that it is a fairly common phenomenon, but I have just never been in the company for this experience. Apparently, upon hearing that someone is engaged and listening to them tell their story, (My friend's, btw, was probably one of the best engagement stories I've ever heard), all married persons feel strangely compelled to tell their own engagement story. It's almost like a competition. Something like "well, you think that's good... my story might not be as romantic... but it sure is quirky..."


So, there we sat in my small group, 4 married couples, one newly engaged woman, and me. I, not surprisingly, had very little to contribute to the conversation, as I have never been engaged. So I just smiled and listened and ate my ice cream cake. Which is probably the best that I could really do in that situtaion.


But, what my friend Becky pointed out, is NOT my lack of a man, but my lack of creativity. Sure, I'm not engaged, but why should that stop me. I am a creative young woman, what I need is a completely over-the-top, if not truly unbelievable engagement story- who cares if it's true?

She tossed out a few suggestions, but I have not latched on to any yet. So, be on the lookout in the near future for my really good engagement story- be it true or not. It might be- you have no way of knowing. But I'm going to be ready for that social situation the next time it happens. And I will be witty- and I will have the best story.... and I will win.

Singles Registry...

WARNING: This is my first blog and it is a little wordy.... I will work on this....

I recently had a conversation regarding my continued attendance and multiple weddings and, more recently, baby showers. Life around me is progressing rapidly, and I am happy to share these celebratory experiences with those I love. I go to the showers, buy the presents, attend the weddings (alone, because I rarely get "and guest" anymore) and for the large part am happy to do it. It is a joyful time to share with my friends. However, as a single woman, such events start to drain on me. I am rounding the corner to 28 (which, by the way, is my "late 20's," a concept I am still getting used to), and feel like my life is more or less on hold. I look back 6 years ago to when I graduated from college, and, for better or for worse, life is not that different. I have some more stuff, a different apartment, and a different job, but nothing permanent. My stuff is all hand-me-downs (which I am thankful for), my apartment is smaller, and my job is less advanced. According to typical standards- I'm not moving very far along in life.

However, it's not all that grim. Life has advanced. I certainly have learned some life lessons along the way, and I am CERTAINLY not the same person- in thought, faith, ideology, even physically (I'll talk more about my running at a later time...). Plus- the most eminent change on the horizon- I am about to graduate with my Masters (a mere 6 years in the works). Graduation is 4 weeks from tomorrow! Life will probably (at least initially) not look different the day after graduation from the day before, but it is still an accomplishment. One if fact, that I think is worth celebrating. Which brings me to this question:

It is an accomplishment. Probably the biggest thing for me to celebrate since I graduated from college. I'd like to have a party. Just to celebrate. Not for any other purpose. I will likely send out invitations that say "NO GIFTS, PLEASE." However, there is a part of me (nudged by a friend), that says- HEY- this is big. I deserve some gifts. After all, I have friends that I've bought gifts for- from wedding showers to weddings to baby showers for the last 6 years- I deserve something!!! Some of my friends think this is great- while others have called it "pompous and arrogant." What do you think? Is it wrong for a 27 year old single woman to go so far as to "register" for her MA graduation? What if I was 35 and getting my PhD? At what point is it acceptable for a single woman to receive wedding-type gifts? When I buy my first house? Or do I just keep using the dishes my mother received at her first wedding 35 years ago for the rest of my single life?

I'm going to try to post a poll... Let me know your opinion.